Thursday, October 23, 2008

One of Those Days

So, today I had one of those days. You know, one of those days when you wake up then go right back to sleep not wanting to face the world. Then you wake up again, twice as tired, knowing that you have to wake up cuz it's only thuresday. With that sad realization you go out of bed, then nearly barf at the smell of breakfast because the idea of eating is just that discusting. Then you end up being forced by your mother to eat breakfast even though you tell her that you're not feeling well. At that, she gives you a pill, which you nearly choke on, then you go to school not bothering to brush your hair. When you get to school, your friend greets you and starts babbling about something to do with Mayan hiroglyphs. You go to your first class, science, and sadly realise that you cannot sleep through it because you are doing an experiment. At this, you begin to babble about giant magnets. Then, when the teacher says that your idea having to do with the giant magnets is really great (your group didn't listen to you) you get to tell them "I told you so" but still feel slightly angry because they didn't listen to you the first time. Just then, the bell rings and you go to your next class, french, which you dispise. When you get there, you realise something....that you have a test that day. Which you didn't study for. And that you spent the past few classes reading a book so you're slightly behind and don't know what the test is on. So, you take the test, screwing it up really badly, then spent the rest of the class reading while you slowly realise that you didn't do your social studies homework and that you have that class BEFORE lunch so you can't do it then. So, you do the homework during french class, and luckily finish in time. From there, you proceed to go to gym class where you end up playing volleyball which you incidently suck at and you accidently run into the net, and get hit in the head multiple times with the ball. So after that, you go to social studies where you realise that you didn't in fact, have to do that homework that you worked so hard to finish during french class when you could of been napping/reading. You spend the entire class basically sleeping with your eyes open while the class goes over the test that you failed. Then the bell rings and you go to lunch, during which your friends make you eat even though you really don't want to due to the amount of tired that you are. Then you have math, which you read through because it's just that easy. You get some homework, but let's ignore that fact because it's just homework. Then you have a spare. A wonderful, glorious spare, which you spend with your friends debating human stupidity as always. After that, you go to english class, which is thankfully a reading class, then the teacher asks you to tell her about the book that you recently read and you have to tell her about the book so that she'll give you marks for reading it. Then class is over and you get to go home. So, you make your wall through the jungle of idiots to your locker, trying to ignore all the mean things that they're saying about you, and everything in your locker falls out right onto you. This takes a while to clean up, but eventually, you leave. Of course, you forget your clarinet which would have been nice to take home and practice, but you got out in one piece. You then hop into the car, realising (slowly) that your little brother is in the front seat and has control of the radio (NOOOOOOOO) and put on a bit of a show because of it. Of course, you are exceedingly tired and have no energy whatsoever to debate this. Luckily, you make a run for the computer and get it first (MUAHAHAHA) and you slowly wake up because you shove some chocolate chips into your mouth knowing that you shall regret it later.

That was my day. It sucked.

Monday, October 13, 2008


I've had it. Try as I do, I just don't feel real. I am internally screaming in agony. How can I feel real? HOW???? I have read books, I've practically writen books, and I have thought about this topic day in a day out. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL REAL? Do you get it? I'm fake. There is no other option. Either your real or your fake. NO INBETWEEN. OR EVEN IF I WAS FAKE I WOULD BE MORE REAL THAN I AM NOW! See? I'm nothing. NOTHING. Sometimes I feel real, but only when I'm riding my bike in the rain or when I'm at the climax of a piece of music. I have to DO something to feel real. Which isn't fair. Or maybe, I'm real. Maybe, I'm just so real that I see the fake parts of me more clearly than most people would. Or do. People don't realise it when I lie. People don't realise it when I live a lie. People don't realise it when I'm acting. People don't realise it when I'm playing pretend. PEOPLE DON'T GET TO SEE ME, THEY JUST SEE SOME MASK! The sad part is, I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to be myself. I can't be myself. It just doesn't work that way. It's like I'm watching some sort of reality show. There are people who are real, people who are acting, and people who are just watching it all happen. I'm one of those people watching it all happen. I don't even get to be FAKE! I'm just invisible. Does that mean that I should want to be fake? Is that how to be real? I used to be fake, but then I got all mega-obsessed with being real. I didn't realise what I was giving up. I didn't realise that fake was better than invisible. Or is it? Maybe it's more like nothing is worth being fake for. Not even feeling real. But I'm at the point where I would do anything to be real. I don't care if it involves a bit more acting. I don't care if I never end up real, I just don't wanna be invisible. DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT? I don't care if I have to get hurt to feel real. I don't care if when I try being real I crash and burn. Cuz that way I'd of at least tried. So...what do I do?

Friday, October 3, 2008


I remember, last summer at band camp, the conductor was trying to explain something to amazing something. She tried to explain silence. The fact is, we can never truely EVER experience silence on this earth. We can still hear the world around us, the lights buzzing above us, and even our own breathing. We will never experience silence, but we can come pretty close. At least, we can come close if we're comparing almost-silence to the world around us. I mean, we ALWAYS hear noise. We can't avoid a lot of it. The fact is, half the time we don't notice it. I mean, I'm one of those people who constantly has to listen to music. It's just how I work. But, today in chapel, we touched on this topic. We touched on the idea of silence. It was really ironic, how it happened. We started chapel with music, and halfway through the second song, I totally lost my voice. I mean, I've been kinda sick for a while, and today I was coughing a lot, but I didn't think that I was sick enough to lose my voice. But I did. Then, it turned out, the guest speeker who was gonna come, was sick, so they had gotten a video for us to watch. It was probably totally random, but I've got a youtube link to it
Anyways, we watched that and it was depressing. All through that video about silence, people were whispering, tapping their feet, doing ANYTHING to avoid silence. It's like people are afraid of it. Afraid of silence. It's weird, really, how people don't like silence. I like it, mostly because I greatly dislike noise. But here's what I think. I think that we don't need silence to experience it...I think that all it takes is the ability to block out the rest of the world, with something other than just a louder sound, like a mp3. Because you know what? If we want to hear God, we need silence. It's like in band class...our band teacher wont talk til everyone is quiet. God's like that, cuz He isn't gonna raise His voice, He's just gonna talk however loud He wants and it's our responsibility to be quiet enough to listen. So maybe we should try something....maybe we should try to be know, like right before you wake up, how you are totally silent, not even thinking anything. Just a moment of real silence, is worth a day of noise.