History

No, I'm not gonna talk about history question...do you think I'm a nerd or something? I mean, we all know that I'm not only a nerd, I'm an oboe-savy-clarinet-aholic band nerd! Anyways, I actually have a quote...."History repeats itself" the quote is its own proof. I've heard that quote EVERYWHERE and its repeated. So yeah, stuff gets repeated, so why not history? The fact that we had a world war two is basically proof enough. But look at your daily schedule. It repeats itself. Its never exactly the same, but still repetitive. Which is what we're looking at. I don't know...I really don't think that there's much else to say on this topic, so I'll let all you non-existent readers figure out what it means for yourselves.

Transformation

Okay, as some of you may know, I go to a youth group. A couple weeks ago, we were talking about transformation, what it means to be transformed, how we can get transformed and the effort that that takes. To start this off, I'm gonna give you a definition for the word. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it sucked. So, as we all know, I'm gonna have to make one up.
Transformation means to change form.
Easy enough? Good, cuz my definition is way better than the complicated one in the dictionary. Anyways, can anyone guess what Bible verse(s) go with it? Come on, we all know where this is going...at least, if you know me, then you know where this is going. The leads to one of my favorite Bible verses, but also one of my least favorites. Of course, we often don't like things that we are afraid of. The power in this verse frightens me, cuz it's just that amazing. Its one of those verses that everyone knows, but that they so rarely look closesly enough at it. So....any guesses? Okay, I'll just tell you already. Romans 12:2 "2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Yes, I know, I've practically stalked this quote, and now it's stalking me right back. I mean, seriously, what are the chances of it being mentioned in youth group on the FIRST DAY? I mean, it's not sky-high, it's like....grass high. I mean, there's a chance, but I honestly didn't expect it. So, of course, we started thinking about what transformation means. I guess we can go with a fairly common metaphore, and say that it's like a caterpiller turning into a butterfly...wait a second, I'm sure I can come up with something more original...Okay, so it's like when your learning a song for band class. At first, it kinda sucks...actually, it really sucks, cuz unless you're some sort of super-sightreader, it's gonna sound worse than crap the first time 'round. So that's how we start. Now, we can do this one of two ways. We could start by working on little bits and pieces of the song and keep moving forward from there, or we could try to change it all at once. It's fairly obvious what we do. We have to work on it chunk by chunk til at least part of it doesn't sound like an ugly, dying squirrel that was put in a toaster to burn to it's doom. Actually, we try to get the song to the point where people might actually like listening to it. So that's like transformation. If we want to transform our lives like it says in the Bible, it says "renewing of your mind"...now comes the question: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" It says we've gotta let God make the change by changing the way we think. Which implies that we change the way that we think of the world around us. But we can't do that all at once, we can't just wake up one day and have that be reality. We have to pick a certain aspect of our lives, work at that a while, then keep moving to the rest of our lives til it's not half bad. But we can't do this alone. We need help. We need God to help us cuz God is like this teacher/instructor/conductor or whatever you wanna think of Him as. Like, we could learn the song on our own, but then we need someone to line up the performance...we have to have a reason to learn the song, so God's the dude who makes that happen. I mean, someone's gotta line up a gig. He tells us when we should use our transformed life to help others. He places us in situations where we are needed. So, I guess that's what transformation means...I guess that's how we apply it...I guess that's why we need it. I mean, do you wanna keep playing that squirel-in-the-toaster song? Ummm...no. Cuz nobody wants to hear that and nobody wants to put up with that noise. That's why we need to transform...cuz otherwise, our lives suck. Maybe not suck bad, but they could be better. I mean, if all the squirel ever knows is the misery of the dreaded toaster, how should he know that a couple shelves over, there's a window where he can get outside and live his happy little squirel life in a tree? So, that's basically why we need to allow God to work in us and transform us. Cuz transformation isn't just a word, it's the way to life.

Music

I just realised something today. We had to play a sffzs today during band as part of a song we were working on and the teacher said that there was beauty in everyone being able to be exactly the same. Also, in band, not everything is equal. Now, let's think, in the world we live in, people seem to think that being the same is a good thing (globalization comes to mind) and peole have this false idea that people aren't equal. So what am i getting at? I'm getting at the fact that music has a way of taking everything that society says is "right" and we turn it into something amazing. Because if we played all the notes exactly equally, it wouldn't be as musical. If we were all over the place with the music, it would be a mess. So I guess we can take this two different ways. We can say that society is just one big song and we can go along with what the world says 'cus it works in music. Or we could say that things can be wrong, but everything has a good side. Let's just go with the second way and say that music has a way of doing what people are told to do, and making it perfect. Because in truth, music transforms us from idiotic humans to wonderful inventors. The composer of a song leaves it up to us to make it beautiful. We get the opportunity to finish the painting...we get to create! When we do this, it's so amazing. We stop being whoever we've been acting like all our lives and we are finally ourselves, but we also belong. We also get to be part of something bigger. 'Cus when I'm singing or playing music of any kind, I feel more real. And that's something that I've been thinking about a lot...whether or not I'm real. Sometimes it's like I'm not real. Sometimes it's like I'm dreaming and none of this is really happening. I've tried all kinds of things to make me feel more real....actually, I have a quote..."People who read aren't saticified with their life, so they try to live someone else's". Someone once said that to me. Yeah, sometimes I read to escape this world. Sometimes I read to be in someone else's shoes. Because you know what? Sometimes you just get tired of being in your own shoes. Sometimes you need a break. Which brings me to another quote: "Not everything made you stronger. It was possible to survive, yet still be crippled for your trouble. Sometimes it was okay to run away, to skip the test, to chicken out. Or at least to get some help. "-Midnighters, Scott Westerfeld. I've been thinking about that a lot. Actually, I wrote that quote on my french binder ('cus whoever said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has never attended a high school french class) Anyways, the point is, saying that everything makes you stronger, is bogus. Not everything makes you stronger, so sometimes when we need to escape our world, we need to, be it by music, books, sports, writing, or basically anything. People say that I live in my own little world, and that's kinda true. I don't like our world that much, so I live by the whole "I regect your reality and substitute my own" thing. I don't like the way the world is, so I ignore it and go off to live in Dreamland, Planet Elsewhere. At least, that's what it says on my blogger profile for where I live. Mostly cuz it's true, I don't live on earth, at least, not entirely. I live in a much nicer place where my imagination goes wild and where quoation marks can talk. Actually, I sometimes visit other people's imaginary worlds...aka I read books. Cuz those imaginary worlds are pretty cool too. So yeah, I've gotten really off topic from music, and that's fine. Topics are for idiots. Plus, this relates to music cuz music takes me to a whole other world. Actually, let's quote animal planet and say "Same planet, different world"...so yeah, that sums it up nicely. Oh and then there's my band teacher's theory. Okay, so I breath normally about as much as a normal person when they sleep (my band teacher laughed when I said that I "breath half as much as a normal person"...he was all "so you've gotten to the point where you don't even try to include yourself with the average?"...back to "topic") anyways, I breath half as much as a normal person, and that is about how much people breath while they sleep. And apparently I'm "always tired" and I bump into a lot of things, so therefore, I'm sleepwalking. That explains why I say so many random things (music spoons come to mind) and why I am so clumsy. So apparnetly I'm sleepwalking through life. To that, I say that I am metaphorically sleep walking through life. In normal terms, I mean that I'm not paying an ounce of attention to the world around me, so it's almost like I am sleepwalking. So yeah. But I never sleep during math class. Actually, I got really mad at my friend when she fell asleep during math. But I don't blame her, we're doing graphs. And graphs suck. They're just so boring!!! *warning...math rant about to begin*. When we graph something, we put wrong information onto a poorly organized chart (tjart...lol) and we make it look pretty. Whatever happended to just nice, normal, data that didn't have to be color-coded? What happened to the beautiful simplicity of mathematics? Because graphs are NOT simple...they are a complicated way to show outdated statictics. I mean, my math text book is so old that the statictics are from 1969. Not even kidding. I mean, who cares about stats from 40 years ago enough to graph it? I mean, I know how to graph and this "practicing" is just wasting time. Honestly, if they actually looked at correct statictics they would KNOW that.

Metaphore for High School

As we all know, everything is a metaphore for high school. So, yesterday, I discovered a metaphore for high school. I went with my friend Melina on "Bus Trip To Nowhere". We went into this loud, over-heated, over-crouded bus, with garbage bags covering the window so that we couldn't see where we were going. How is this a metaphore for High School? Well, in high school, most of us aren't completely sure where we are going. Sure, we could find out if we wanted to, but that would kinda ruin the fun! At school, it's hot, over-crowded, and really loud. Just like the bus. But the thing is, you would think that when we got to our destination, we would be doing something fun. And we did do something fun, we just didn't exactly expect that we would end up at IMAX to see some documentries (which were really good, btw). So, I guess that means that even when our trip through school is done, we'll still be learning, but hopefully in not a so traditional way. We'll learn through experiences and such, like we do now. I mean, people offer me advice all the time, but do I take it? No, usually not. I trust experience and its advice far more than i trust any one person's advice. I mean, sure, sometimes we should listen to what people tell us, but listening to ourselves is an important thing that they don't teach us at school. People so often say to listen to the world around you, but I think that the advice of experience is far more trustworthy than any person, book, or comittee. I can hear my own reasoning far more clearly than anyone else's and my experience is a part of me. I know what it wants, and I know why it's telling me to do something. I guess when we get off that bus, into the real world, we'll use experience as a teacher far more than people. People make excuses. Experiences can't lie.

Box

People always say "think outside the box"...but EVERYONE says that, making it be such an IN box thing to say. This is what I think about with boxes. I don't think we can get out of this box of thought that we are locked into. Nobody wants to get out anyways, so it's not like anyone has actually bothered to find a way out. So I've narrowed it down to this: Everyone is trapped in the box, like it or not, you're in the box and there isn't a thing you or anyone else can do about it. See? We are all trapped within the box of thought that we were born into. People from Canada might be locked into a different box of thought than people in the US, but regardless of where we come from, we are all in a box. No matter what, we are born into a box. It's not like when we are born, we are thinking. It's like we have to be taught how to think and we are stuck with that train (right track, wrong track, left track, train track.....don't ask) of though for the rest of our lives. So, you may ask, how do we get born outside the box? I know. I know how to get born outside the box. If any of you have ever paid any attention in church, you've heard the phrase "born again". So I think that when we ask Jesus into our hearts, we'll be outside the box. We are reborn, outside the box. In that case, a lot of people are outside the box. But I think I'll leave you with a question: Are we really outside the box, or just in another one?

Why?

Why are people curious? Why do people get interested in the stupidest of things? Why don't people realise that they could spend their time doing something better? Why don't people see that there are lot's more ways to be spending their time. Why do people think we can only have one calling? Why do people think in generalizations? Why do people seem not to care about the people around them? Why do people ignore the unnessary. Why don't people realise that the unnessary is so often the nessessary. Why is the road to success so often confused with the road to sadness? Why do people care the pepsie and coke taste different? Why do people confuse same with equal? Why do people think that weird is wronge? Why do people think that everyone should act the same to "be polite"? Why do people get all obsessive about things that are so stupid? Why do people waste their money on clothes when they already have a lot of them? Why are people so often self-centered? Why do people like things that are familer? Why do people automatically assume that "nice" weather is warm weather? Why are the words "nice" and "normal" so often in the same sentance? Why am I asking these questions? Why do I not want answers? Why do I think that the answers would be sad? Why would the answers be sad? Why do people care about the answer so much more than the question? Why do people use so much energy getting the answer? Why don't people realise that the answer in itself is unimportant? Why do they ALWAYS use that fact against me during math? Why do they always tell me to show my work? Why can't i just hand my head in? Why do I ask all these questions yet not expect an answer? Why do I ask questions in the first place?

Don't bother answering. Just answer in your head.

Okay, reflection time!!!

It's time to pause and reflect!!! On what? A quote? No. A word? Nope, not today. A Bible verse? Close, but no metaphorical lemons. Well, what? A SONG!!! There are a couple songs that I wanna get around to reflecting on, but let's start with one. Okay, this was the first song that I sang at youth group. It's called "Priceless" by Copeland. If you recall, I had a link to it yesterday...well, I think it was yesterday. Yes, yesterday. Well, here are the lyrics:

"I remember when I'd run to you
through field of white flowers
Your embrace is my air
How I needed you there
And all of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in I need you here like you've always been

And then I waved goodbye to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see that
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me
Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

Taking for granted (taking for granted)
... all of her smiles
That got away
And now I'm looking up to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of you
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in I need you here like you've always been "


Okay, so let's concentrate on what that means. Sure, it's a beautiful song, but it is far more beautiful once we know what it means. To me, it's a song about how we need God. Actually, no, it's more why we need God. It says "I need you like a dragonfly's wings need the wind" to me, that means that we need God in order to be useful. Because think about a dragonflies. They need their wings to work in order to fly. So maybe it's like God gives us the ability to fly. Because think about it. If we are like dragonflies, dragonflies need their wings to survive. It let's them get food, their wings help them meet people. So God is like our wings. He's like our survival. We need him to survive. Sure, without wings dragonflies could live a while, but they die way before they are supposed to. So without wings, we would metaphorically die. You know, conform to the patterns of the earth and all that. We need God as our wings so that we stay stronge. So that we can live. That's just what I think. I could expand more on the rest of the song, but that was the part that really jumped out at me.

YOUTH GROUP ROCKS!

YOUTH GROUP ROCKS! Okay, let me just organize my thoughts...list!
1) THANK YOU MELINA!!!!!!!!!! Without you coming with me, I totally wouldn't of gone to youth group last night! You were an angel sent from God!
2) This is the website for my youth group! http://tmpyouth.com/pneumanautics
Okay, so you are likely wondering what it was like. Well, we were late. Of course. It's like I'm always late for these things. 48 minutes late on the first day of band camp. 22 minutes late for youth group. Yeah. Yet I am NEVER late. Except sometimes. But it was okay that I was late for pneumanautics. Because until ten minutes before it started I was saying how much I hated youth group and that I was never gonna go. The first song that we sang was: http://www.actionext.com/names_c/copeland_lyrics/priceless.html
The second song was: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2MCI1HYUCA
The third song was: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M86IF0Rqt2M
It was awesome! I'm serious! I loved youth group! Okay, by now you have heard the word "pneumanautics" a lot. That's the name of my youth group. It means "to travel by the Spiret". Which is mega cool. So I'm pretty pumped. The songs were awesome. Then we did this thing with eggs....it had absolutely nothing to do with church or God or whatever. It was just eggtastical. Yeah. So youth group was seriously fun and I have a fantsaical small group. I'm going back next week. And I'm in a good mood right now. So yeah. That's kinda all I have to say right now...

i HATE this

i HATE this. I'm in a bad mood. Do you wanna know why? Because life sucks. Why? Because NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS TO ME BECAUSE I'M JUST AN INVISIBLE NOTHING WHO HAS NO FRIENDS AND EVEN MY FRIENDS FROM YOUTH GROUP AREN'T GOING ANYMORE BECAUSE OF VOLLEYBALL AND SO NOW I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO EXCEPT MY JOURNAL/BLOG BUT NEITHER OF THEM ARE GONNA ANSWER BECAUSE THEY AREN'T REAL PEOPLE. So yeah. Youth group sucks because absolutely no one my age EVER comes so I'm all alone in the corner for the ENTIRE TIME. And it sucks. And so now I'm going to a new youth group...the high school one. And I just found out that everyone my age STILL aren't coming. EVEN THOUGH IT'S ON A DIFFERENT DAY THEY STILL AREN'T COMING. And let's just say that there is no force on this planet that can make me go to youth group all alone. So I'm not going. Not today, not ever. I'll just tell my mom to stop trying to work around it when planning my triathlon training and I'll just go run laps at some gym while I should be in youth group. Because I don't care about it anymore. I want to go. I want to listen to good music. I want to make new friends. But it just isn't like that. I have no friends there. I'm just not going to youth group anymore. I just don't wanna go. Sure, I'll still go to regulare church, but I'm not going to youth group. Maybe I'll go on the retreat. Maybe. But the worst part is, even though I was at home crying about this, my mom STILL made me go out to dinner with her and her friends. Of course, I basically refused and when home asap, but still. HOW CAN MY MOM EXPECT ME TO ACT LIKE IT'S ALL OKAY. TO ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. TO ACT LIKE I'M HAPPY. Because to tell you the truth, I haven't been happy in a long time. Sometimes I'm a little bit happy, but never as happy as I act. Never as happy as people assume I should be. All my life, people have constantly showed that people are supposed to be happy. Well, I've put on that act long enough. I'm sad right now. And I'm not gonna hide my tears. I'm gonna act sad. I'm gonna be a pain in the neck. I'm just gonna say how I feel, 'cus I've had enough of acting. I've had enough of hiding EVERY EMOTION BUT HAPPYNESS. We aren't allowed to be confused. We aren't allowed to be weak. We aren't allowed to be broken. People dont' like us acting like that. People don't like us acting like ourselves. We are our emotions, so we should get to show it. If I get sad, my mom tells me to smile. When I get angry, my mom tells me to act like everything is okay. Well what if it's NOT okay? What if this is just one thing too much? What if I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE? People say that when life gives us lemons to make lemonaide. I tried to make lemonaide, I honestly tried. But I got lemon juice in my eyes. The world will say to ignore it and pretend to drink lemonaide. People will say that we can't act like that. I say that I can't ignore it and I will act like that. I know this is just about me not having any friends at youth group, but it applies to everything. We don't need to do what the world tells us to do. We do need to say what people want us to say. It's okay to express how we feel. It's okay to FEEL stuff. It's not a bad thing. We shouldn't have to lie about who we are just because it's "improper". That doesn't make sense to me. So I'm saying this loud and clear "I HATE LIFE".

Again with the Lemons

By now you have likely heard every single lemon phrase or quote known to lemonkind. Actually, you probably have heard all of them if you've read this blog and the deleted blog. Here's the thing:"When life gives you lemons, it sucks, but don't suck on the lemons." Okay, so I just made that up about five minutes ago. What I mean is that when life gives you crap and life sucks to the extreme point, then you don't have to MAKE IT WORSE. You don't have to EAT THE STUPID LEMONS. You don't have to do ANYTHING with them. You don't have to make lemonaide, you don't have to make grape juice. You can just IGNORE THE DAMN LEMONS! Yes, they are lemons. Yes, life gave them to you. No, you don't have to pay them a moment of your attention. They are stupid LEMONS for crying out loud! If you get a lemon in real life, what do you do? You thow the thing OUT! It. Is. Just. A. Lemon. Except that it seems that people think that metaphorical lemons are like these super lemons that come back to you whenever you throw it away. It's true, they do come back. But you can just ignore them! They wont go away, but maybe they'll roll down a hill. I mean, they are rollical. So yeah. You don't have to eat the lemons...you don't have to feel bad when something bad happens. No, it's not your choice. Sometimes the lemons go a squirt themselves in your eyes. But still....if you can ignore them, ignore them. They're just lemons. I mean, if they go squirting themselves in your eyes, IGNORE IT....you know, if you can...

OH MY GOSH....

Okay, so I was gonna call this post "something to say"....now I'm freaking out because there was a song that we sang at church called "something to say" and I was trying to remember what it was called when I started blogging and wrote down "something to say"....cool. Yeah.....so anyways, I was gonna talk about how I have nothing to say, but I really do want to say something. So yeah. Now I'm trying to find it on youtube, but it's tricky....apparently there are lots of songs called "something to say"....so yeah. Oh....I can't find it. It's not there. It's like last time this happened. Just like last time. Sometimes at church we sing songs and I spend forever looking for them but they're gone. Just gone. GONE. I just CAN'T FIND IT. It's gone. I can't find it. I shouldn't of even bothered looking for it. This means something. I swear, it means something. It was a good thing I looked for it. Sometimes people don't look for stuff because they are afraid that they wont find anything...they'd rather think that it was out there somewhere than know that it isn't anywhere. I guess lots of people think along those lines. I mean, sometimes I'd rather think something than know something. It's complicated. Normally I would use quotes, but I just wasted half an hour looking for some and I didn't find any. Well, I did, but not the type that I wanted. None that explain what I need explained. I guess that is all I can say for now...

Yes, We're Back To Lemons

Okay, so I guess we all remember the whole lemon thing. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't, I'll explain what I think you should do with your metaphorical lemons that life gave you. I think that you should sell the stupid lemons and use the money to buy some dr. pepper or whatever your favorite drink is. Because, I don't like lemonaide. Or grape juice for that matter. And no, that was not as random as it sounds. We all know the quote, right? "When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it" Okay, so then we went and opened a lemon store with lemon shoes and all that. But SOMEHOW we ended up at metaphorical lemon shoes. So WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? Okay, let's face it, NOBODY knows that it means. Let me explain some reasoning that I'm making up as I go along. You have lemons. You aren't thirsty. You want to do something useful with the lemons. So you make them into some pretty lemontastical shoes. That's it. That's what it means. What do those shoes represent, seeing as their metaphorical? I don't know. It's a METAPHORE. The shoes can represent any need that you have. Actually, a want, probably. So, WHAT ELSE can we do with our lemons? Well, we could eat them plain, but that's bad for our metaphorical teeth. Actually, teeth make EXCELLENT metaphores. Like, if you move on from a hobby, it's like losing a tooth...eventually an adult tooth will grow in. That's why our metaphorical teeth are like shark teeth, 'cus we lose them every day. Even if we don't know it, we're losing metaphorical teeth. So I guess it's no big deal if we eat the lemons, except that they might damage our metaphorical teeth. And they might not taste so good. Yeah. So what else can we do with our lemons? I guess we could make lemon pie. Or better yet, lemon pi. As in 3.14. But what IS that? Because I don't know. Yeah, so it might be a LITTLE bit weird for me to be ranting about lemons...but what are we supposed to DO with these lemons? Because I think that the best idea is to turn them into metaphorical dr. pepper, but that is a long and complicated process....you just can't do that. Yeah, you can make GRAPE JUICE, but not dr. pepper. It's confusing, I know. But seriously, what I don't get is why does nobody ever realise that you can SELL your lemons for limes or something....because if you have some lemons and some limes, I'm pretty sure that you could make metaphorical 7-up. But for that I really should consult the "Rule Book of Lemons"....which is metaphorical, of course. Or maybe I should write a "Rule Book of Lemons"....I could make it with the money that I get for selling my lemons!!! YAY!!! Okay, this is where I stop talking because for all we know I'll start ranting about quotation marks now....

My Stressful Life Has Started Up Again

Okay, so I have a slightly hectic life during the school year, so don't expect more than one update per day. So far, I only have about 3 hours of homework left, days of honor band music to learn, and i have to make some cookies. So I'm only a little busy. But I've been running lately and it's fun, so I have to go on a half hour run today....maybe longer, if I feel like it. Depends on if I have time. I mean, I have three hours of homework left (I KNOW! After two days of school!) so I'll be busy with that. I've already practiced my clarinet for three hours today because I'm trying out for the Manitoba Senior Honor Band....which is for people grades 9-12, so I'd be one of the youngest ones auditioning. So I have to make an audition tape that doesn't totally suck. So I've been doing that since I woke up. What else is there....oh, jazz band starts this week. And soon there's gonna be auditions for Junior Vocal Group, then auditions for the Musical....I don't know when basketball try outs are. And then there's triathlon training that starts in october. So that's fun. Until that all starts up I'll have time to run. Which is fun. You know, as long as I have music. So life is getting good and stressful now. Which is good. Lot's to do. I've already had a test and a quiz at school. Which is good. Except that I failed the quiz because it was a pop quiz on the first day of school. And how the heck am I supposed to know who the mayor of winnipeg is??? Okay, so i know that it's Katz. Well, now I know that. After the quiz. That I failed. With a 30%. Good thing it doesn't count for much. There's a chance that I got 100% on the math test, though. I'm good at math. One time I missed about two weeks of school because I was on vacation or whatever, then I come back and there is a math test. And I wasn't at school for the whole unit. But I still got about 96% on it. Just because I'm good at math. So I think I might of gotten 100% on the math test. It was multiple choice though....so that might be to my advantage. Yeah...so I am already mildy stressed out by school starting. Mostly because I REALLY want to get into the Manitoba Senior Honor Band. Which is hard....actually, impossible. Which means I should go practice now...

No Longer Invisible

You know what sucks? People notice me now. Okay, so you may say that that's a good thing. I say it's not. It means that people compliment me on my shoes, then I have to say something nice back about them...this leads to conversation. That, my friend, is like yanking a frog out of a pond and throwing it at the ceiling. People actually saw me. Therefore, that lead to conversation. Which I don't do. I mean, I can ACT like a normal, sane, person, but in truth, I'm not oh so sane. Actually, I'm quite the opposit. I'm not a sane normal person. I'm a weirdo who dreams about quotation marks. But it's not like I can just go up to someone and say "hey, what color do you think purple flowers should be? you know, other than purple". That's the kind of thing I say. Most people don't hear me. Actually, I was nice and invisable this morning. I went to my locker and my friend's locker was four down from mine, then five minutes later she was all, "hey andrea! i didn't see you!" This happens a lot. You know with variations...sometimes they just can't recognise me. People have actually asked me if I try to look as different as possible every day. I kinda do like to mix it up a bit. You know, dye my hair every once in a while, cut it shorter...try different make-up, dress in clothes that i haven't worn in years....i haven't grown much. I actually have a lot of clothes...and i never wear the same shoes two days in a row...unless it's winter, i only have one pair of winter boots. But that's not the point. The point is that half the time, people don't see me and half the time people don't recognise me. So usually I'm never seem. Except the new kids don't know that. They see me. And it's creepy. Most of the time, I'm just the girl who reads books in the corner. Okay, so not the corner. And I do have friends. They're just used to having me randomly start staring at the wall for ten minutes straight. Of course, after ten minutes, they usually say "andrea, lunch time is for EATING, you know..." Except that I don't like lunch. So I don't always eat it. Actually, I usually don't. But if I actually eat with my friends instead of in the band room or choir room or classroom (usually french, but this year I want to eat in the math room), well, if i actually eat with my friends, then they usually force me to eat lunch. Which isn't enjoyable. And I'm usually not hungry. But then they remind me that I didn't eat lunch...so I have to eat half a sandwhich or whatever to keep the peace. But the point is, people usually don't notice me. Partly because I don't want them to. Partly because I'm just the type of person who gets ignored. And partly because I don't see them. If you asked me everyone's name, I wouldn't know the answer. And I don't care. I live in my own world. In my world, I get to see everyone differently. Yeah, I lable people. Yeah, I see the groups that people are in. Yeah, I see their social status. But do you honestly think that it MATTERS to me? Because it totally doesn't. I try to see who the person really is. Not who they pretend to be. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes I don't find the answer. Sometimes I don't like the answer I find. But that's okay. I'll live with it. That's life. We get answers to questions that we don't want. But we have to get the answers we don't want to get the answers that we DO want. That's life. Get used to it. It wont change but we will.

Sad Statistics

These aren't the type of statistics that you read about. This is information that I have gathered. It might not be right, but it's been right for three years in a row. Last year, there were three new kids in my class. One of them was already a RTS. The other two weren't. By the end of the first week, all three of them were RTSes. This year, there were a TON of new kids. On the first day, I noticed that about half of them were RTSes. Today I noticed that they all are. See a pattern? I don't know for sure, but I think that new kids always want to fit in, so they change. Maybe it's not something that they realise. Maybe it's natural. But all the new kids are RTSes now. Just because they want to be accepted. Don't they know that there are people like me who would like them just the way they were? Don't they know that there are people like me that like accept anyone? Don't they realise that I was there the whole time? Seeing them? Seeing them change? Don't they know that they didn't have to become a RTS? Don't they know that they could of been friends with me? I talked to them! I invited them to eat lunch with me! I didn't even freak them out by babbling about the metric system! I guess that's my rant for the day. But I still don't get it. Why are so many new kids so desperate to be accepted? I've been a new kid before. I've been in their shoes. I get it. Sure, when I was a new kid in grade seven, I was a RTS. Yes, I admit it! I made the same mistake. But in a couple months, I regretted it. I couldn't stand the fighting...it was overwhelming. But that doesn't mean that I understand that there are a bunch of new kids all making my mistakes. I can't stand it. Just because I've made the same mistake, doesn't mean that it isn't a mistake. It's a big mistake. Yeah, I'm not that happy with the friends that I've made, but at least we don't fight constantly. I can't remember fighting with ANY of them. Which makes it okay that they aren't the best friends I could ever wish for. But anyways, I've made mistakes. I just don't like watching people make the same mistakes...and I don't wanna look all weird by saying to them "it's a trap! you'll hate hanging out with those people! be friends with ME!"....frankly I think that that would scare them more than anything. I can only see one new student who isn't a RTS. One. But she's becoming one, I can tell. She's been hanging out with RTSes the entire time. But I know that she reads Harry Potter. Oh. OH. Yeah, this is bad. She's hanging out with the same RTSes that I used to hang out with. She has the same hobbies as I did. She plays in band. This is like a repeat from grade seven...having to watch the same thing happen to her. Maybe on monday I'll talk to her some more...Maybe she'd want to hang out with me instead. Maybe I can end this. But wherever there's a maybe, there's also a maybe not. I just wanna help people from making the same mistakes as me. Is that so wrong? Or maybe I should let them make their mistakes. Let them screw up. Maybe they'll learn something...if they ever snap out of RTSism. Which probably wont happen. But it happened to me. But I guess I never was a real RTS...I was still me deep down...or maybe it's like that for everyone. I just don't like watching people make the same mistakes that I did. It's terrible. Usually I would have a conclusion, but I'm still thinking about this one. There's nothing I can do right now. There's nothing that I can do til monday. But do you honestly think that I could figure this out? 'Cus I know that I wont. The thing is, sometimes we know the answer, but we don't wanna admit it.

Individuality

Okay, so what do you think of when you think of individuality? I think about a bunch of things. Obviously, we think of being individuals. But there is a flaw in thinking that. It's not true. Sure, everyone STARTED as an individual, and maybe we are for a couple seconds every day, but in reality, we aren't. I say "in reality" because in non-reality, we REALLY are individuals. When we think, when we daydream, we are individuals. But the way we act....well, it's acting. We become a character in a play, anyone but ourselves. Out of fear, probably. In this modern world, we call people "individual" if they don't act like everyone else. But in truth, they are still acting. Sure, maybe their character is closer to who they were intended to be, but we can never settle for being ourselves. When I'm with people, I know that I'm not being who I am. I know that I'm being someone else. Sure, I try hard to be who I am, but I never hit the target. I could be anyone, ANYONE, but me. Maybe because it's like we're all painted on shoes. WARNING: THIS METAPHORE IS EXCEEDINGLY SAD. Okay, so maybe we are all painted on shoes. Everyone does SOMETHING to make their shoes look different, unique, but everyone copies the person in front of them. So when someone comes along and has a slightly different painted shoe, we either laugh at them because it's not in style, or we just copy them some more. So now you are probably looking for a happy ending....there is none. Because deep down, all those shoes are, are old runners. Old, torn, messed up runners. Worse, they are all the SAME. Sure, they could have been made by a shoemaker. They could of been hand made, rather than factory made. But they are still all the same. Or very similer. You have to get to know them to see that they are unique...but even then it's hard to tell. See, we aren't individuals anymore. No one is. We can try all we want and we never will be individuals. Never. It just doesn't work that way. Sure, we can be different. Sure, we can stand out. No, we can't be ourselves. The paint that we put on our shoes, it doesn't come off. Everyone has paint on their shoes, even if we didn't put it there. We all wear a mask, something keeping us from being ourselves. And that mask sucks out who we are; it replaces us. And once we have lost who we are, we can't find them again. They're gone. Forever. So people who are being "themselves" aren't. They are being a mask that is similer to who they might of been. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there are people who are still themselves....too bad that in my perspective, these people are an hour old. But here's the up side: When we die, when we go to heaven, we will find ourselves. We will BE ourselves. Because I just can't picture any masks going into heaven, I just can't. It doesn't make sense. Therefore, we will be ourselves. There are a few times when we are ourselves on earth too...for me, it's when I'm listening to music and I can just stay in that happy place; I can stay and just listen. The same thing happens when I'm singing...it's like....it's like being nothing in a room full of happy people. The happyness just goes through me in waves and there are no bad feelings; so anger. I kinda feel the same way when I'm writing here. Sometimes I think something that gives me magic-music shivers. Even though there is no music. But you know what? Thoughts are music in it's most basic form. Thoughts are a music that can flow through us, that can turn into a feeling that touches ever part of our body. Then when it goes away....you feel refreshed. You feel happy, clear minded. Sometimes they come differently....as a sad understanding. Sometimes it makes me cry to have those little ripples of comprehension flow through me. Knowledge is a powerful thing. You can get all the answers you want and that would be knowledge. Intelligence is trickyer...it's more the questions. Wisdom is the questions within the question. They're all important, in their own way. But to me, none of them are important. I would much rather feel a thought rush through me than have a thought put in my head. Usually I can translate these feelings into words, but sometimes it's tricky. Sometimes they are too special...sometimes they are too beautiful, for my minimal comprehension to touch. For me to begin to ask about. Words only get us so far in life; eventually we have to use the glow in our eyes, the excitment radiating off our skin. Those are the thing that makes the impact, not the words that you say along with it. Now my hands are sore from all this typing. I just had to write this down. Wait a second...I have more to say. When those magic shivers go through me, it's like I'm in the lake on a wavy day. I let them consume me, assuming that sometime they will let me back up for air. Sometimes a bunch come in a row...in ripples. Other times there is one massive one throwing me under and keeping me there. But there are some that sneak up on me. Those are wonderful. But the thing that makes them like the magic shivers is that they are out of my control. I can't force them to come faster or slower. I can't control them, the world around me does. I'm not the one forcing the magic shivers, they happen because of something I heard or saw. I can't force them. I gave up on trying to. That's it, and I guess there is nothing more to say...mostly because my fingers are gonna fall off soon...and I still wanna write in my journal yet tonight. So have a good night...maybe you'll even feel a thought.

of the day junk.

of the day junk:
Quote of the Day: "Mathematics is the language with which God has written the universe."-Galileo Galilei
Number of the Day: 528
Word of the Day: Math
Question of the Day: 50/49(14n-7)+ I-nI x6/7n=86........yeah.......
Bible Verse of the Day: “What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”- 2 Timothy 1:13-14
Book of the Day: Essential Elements 2000 for oboe....

Okay, that's all i've got for now...never mind, there must be more to say....
Math. Okay, I love math, but doesn't it bug you when you can't get a problem? When it's just a little bit out of your understanding? Well, that's what bugs me. It's not so much that I don't have the answer, it's just that I CAN'T have the answer. That's the part that irritates me. I guess it applys to a lot of different things. I mean, if I can't have something, I want it. But with a question, it's different. It's different because it's ME who's not giving me the answer. I can't blame it on anyone but myself. It's my fault that I can't have what I want. Sure, I could go get the answer from someone else, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't give me the joy of knowing that I know. Because knowing that you know if different from knowing that you know because someone told you. Figuring stuff out has a way of making me feel happy. It's just that when I find out something all on my own, i can call it my own discovery. If it's someone else telling me, then it's just info, nothing more. Maybe it's just me and my messed up brain, but I need to get the answer on my own, otherwise I didn't get the answer. It's like a riddle, but not really. It's problem solving. It's figuring out what you need and getting it. I need an answer. Therefore I need answers to my questions about my question and so on. Not very many people realise how many questions are to an answer. It varys, but still, there are more questions in this world than answers. But answers are more commonly looked for. Why don't people go looking for questions?

Invisible

Okay, so I'm not sure about you, but I find that at school, I am totally and completely invisible. People don't look at me. People don't see hi to me. Actually, now that I think about it, my friends often claim that they can't see me in a classroom full of students. Then after class, they were all “I totally didn`t see you!!! where did you come from?” Which is kinda sad...I mean, my own friends sometimes can`t even see me. It`s weird. People just don’t see me. Sometimes it’s like I don’t exsist. But the strange thing is that I kinda like it. It’s nice to know that other people don’t see me. It’s nice being able to live off in my own little world. I get more chances to think outside the box...actually, more chances just to think in general. If people saw me, I would be stuck on earth all the time. This way, I can just be in my own little world; I can have my head in the clouds. And when you have your head in the clouds, you get a new perspective. Which is sadly rare these days.

Same vs. Equal

Okay, so here's the thing. People are stupid. They ALWAYS without a doubt get these two words mixed up. Same and equal. I know, I know, they are VERY similer. But that's just close...sorry, no cigar. Okay, so WHY am I blogging about this? Um, yeah...don't ask me. I don't know. I just figured it was about time someone said something. It's just that people live under some illusion that you can't be equal without being the same. That's not true. EVERYONE is equal. But you know what's sad? A lot of people are the same too. I mean, people have this irritating habbit of COPYING THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THEM. Yeah. People are sheep. But guess what? I wanna be a frog. You know, metaphorically. Not in "real" life. I mean, my brother MURDERS frogs a LOT. It's mean of him. Okay, back on topic....okay, topics are stupid...it sounds like you're saying "toe pick"...which is really funny. Okay, so back on track (and fast-forwarding through the right track, train track, left track thing) people are stupid. Okay, I know, some people might find that insulting. I'm just gonna treat that as a fact. Anyways, people can be equal, but not the same. See, people are like money. When you go to a different country, you need different money. It's not the same as the money you had, but it's still equal to it. And you need it for your situation. And sometimes one type of money looks like it's worth more, but really it's just a different curency. So, yeah. People are like money. That was the best metaphore that I could come up with for same vs. equal. Also, you know what bothers me? The fact that "same" and "sane" are just one letter off. Which could cause people to think that in order to be sane, you have to be the same. Um, no. Just no. Abnormality is a good thing...i think. I'm not totally sure. I mean, this could be quotation marks all over again. You know the whole, "Quotation marks just say other people's words and are like copy cats, but we need them to make the book make sense"....yeah. You all remember the metaphorical quotation marks. But yeah, the quotation mark theory DOES have a point. And a good one at that. We need a little bit of sameness to be able to make sense of the world. I mean, people are NATURALLY attracted to the familier. I mean, that's why they play the same songs on the radio so much, right? 'Cus the other option is that those songs are brainwashing us...which somehow, I doubt. I guess the moral of the story is that we shouldn't listen to the radio....lol. Just kidding. The moral of the story is that metaphores make way more sense than anything else.

more of the day junk...

of the day, yadda , yadda , yadda....
Song of the Day: Sweet Home Manitoba
Book of the Day: "A light in the attic" by Shell Silverstein.
Quote of the Day: "If you feel like you're under control, you're not going fast enough"-Mario Andretti.
Question of the Day: "WHY IS MY BROTHER SO MEAN???"
Word of the Day: Neuroplasticity
Number of the Day: 3

Um, yeah, that's it...

la dee da da doo...

SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm fairly happy about that, especially 'cus i can't wait to meet my new english teacher AND to get homework! Triathlon training doesn't start til october, so I'll have plenty of time to sign up for school activities! I think I'll do basketball this year. You know, on top of all my music ensembles and triathlon. But triathlon training would only be three times a week. Plus I want to do lifesaving. So I'll be busy four nights a week. Let's just say that it's good that basketball practices are DIRECTLY after school and triathlon doesn't start til seven. And it's good that rehersals for the school musical don't start til later in the year...you know, once basketball season is over. Oh, and then I have Junior Vocal Group during lunch two days a cycle, and Jazz Band twice a cycle also. I want to be in recorder ensemble again this year, but I'm not sure if I'll have time for it. But I NEED to be in recorder ensemble because if I'm not in it, it's a recorder solo. I'm serious. I'm half of that ensemble. Mostly because no one else wanted to do it. Oh, and I wanna be in a book club again this year...but that always conflicted with recorder ensemble. And recorder ensemble always conflicted with Junior Vocal Group. And if I do philosophy club, then that conflicts with jazz band. Let's just say that it's a good thing that rehersals for the musical are after school. And that basketball practice is after school. And that triathlon training isn't til the evening. I wish that JVG (junior vocal group) doesn't conflict with chess club again this year...I really wanted to be in chess club. Hmmmm....now that I think about it, I have a kinda busy life. But this year isn't gonna be as busy as last year. Probably.