Monday, October 13, 2008

Real

I've had it. Try as I do, I just don't feel real. I am internally screaming in agony. How can I feel real? HOW???? I have read books, I've practically writen books, and I have thought about this topic day in a day out. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL REAL? Do you get it? I'm fake. There is no other option. Either your real or your fake. NO INBETWEEN. OR EVEN IF I WAS FAKE I WOULD BE MORE REAL THAN I AM NOW! See? I'm nothing. NOTHING. Sometimes I feel real, but only when I'm riding my bike in the rain or when I'm at the climax of a piece of music. I have to DO something to feel real. Which isn't fair. Or maybe, I'm real. Maybe, I'm just so real that I see the fake parts of me more clearly than most people would. Or do. People don't realise it when I lie. People don't realise it when I live a lie. People don't realise it when I'm acting. People don't realise it when I'm playing pretend. PEOPLE DON'T GET TO SEE ME, THEY JUST SEE SOME MASK! The sad part is, I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to be myself. I can't be myself. It just doesn't work that way. It's like I'm watching some sort of reality show. There are people who are real, people who are acting, and people who are just watching it all happen. I'm one of those people watching it all happen. I don't even get to be FAKE! I'm just invisible. Does that mean that I should want to be fake? Is that how to be real? I used to be fake, but then I got all mega-obsessed with being real. I didn't realise what I was giving up. I didn't realise that fake was better than invisible. Or is it? Maybe it's more like nothing is worth being fake for. Not even feeling real. But I'm at the point where I would do anything to be real. I don't care if it involves a bit more acting. I don't care if I never end up real, I just don't wanna be invisible. DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT? I don't care if I have to get hurt to feel real. I don't care if when I try being real I crash and burn. Cuz that way I'd of at least tried. So...what do I do?

22 comments:

hyperness is ICY said...

lucky...at least you feel real when you do stuff...
i feel real when i'm not thinking about it. if i DO think about being real, like right now...crap. there it goes. it's like a veil drops across my perception, except i can percieve everything, i just don't feel connected to the world.
I tried to get out of it every freakin way possible, it's been happening almost everyday for a year and a half and I haven't managed it.
i hope you have more success than me.

Hyperness is ICY said...

I love reading your blog...you remind me of me.
we have about the same level of realness, sucks about that part...but you are doing more than i am to try to fix it.

Andrea-la said...

more like I'm in more agony about the issue at hand.

hyperness is icy said...

yeah, i suppose so. Maybe i'm just used to it by now. Cause i don't think about it much anymore unless it just happens.

Andrea-la said...

lucky you. it's like tuning a flute section...half the time tuning and half the time playing out of tune. i spend half my time trying to be real, and the other half not being real at all without realizing it.

Steph said...

I love your rants.
About the -la bit at the end of your title, have you read Scott Westerfield's Uglies trilogy?

Steph said...

Have you ever told people you're an alien and GENUINELY meant it? I'm one of those people who have two sides, the one which is crazy and loud and kind of psycho, and a quiet, sensible me who I only am when I'm home with my family. I worry people wouldn't like the quiet me, so gradually I've become crazier. Drives me nuts.

Andrea-la said...

to the "la" comment, I have to say "duh"...in fact i've forced my friends to read 'em too. Fun times.

As for your second comment, I am just like you. I have a really loud side, that's kinda insane, and that's the girl that I'm with around my friends. Then there's the quieter, more poetic me that I am when I'm alone. Around my parents I'm pretty much non-existent, as in I just try to be quiet and not disturb them or anything. And have I told people that I'm an alien and meant it? No. Well, there was that one time after art class when my hands were all blue and colorful from the paint and my friends are all "so THAT'S what your skin really looks like!". But, when I lost my practice record for band class, I told my band teacher that it had been stolen by aliens and that they were gonna use it to make a giant pizza box space-ship. Also, I've become crazier also...to think, there used to be a time when I was sane!!! Oh wow. That was a while ago. But even then, I was a heck of a lot more crazy that most people. Still am. Actually, the new girl at my school has officially declared me the most werid person that she's ever met. I think it MIGHT have something to do with my sock-gloves...but whatever...yeah.

hyperness is icy said...

the new person at your school needs to come to mine...i think she'd suffer a weirdness overload.
i think scott-la (either him or the person he was interviewing) put it pretty well: self-induced schitzophrenia. we all do it to some degree.

andrea-la said...

some (me) more than others.

Sonja said...

yeah, I'm pretty nonexistant around my family, psycho and loud with friends, so quiet alone or with people i dont know.
and i can keep a mask so EASY, im beginning to think that fake / real stuff may be right.
btw sock gloves are sparky as :)

andrea-la said...

lol...one of my friends actually caught on to how i act differently around different people. she asked me which one i was and i answered "either a combo of all three or none of the above"...yeah...

Kay-wa said...

hey so i don't have much to say but my friend just gave me some really good advice so i thought i'd share it. "Being yourself isn't what every one thinks it is. Its finding what you truly like and running with it."

everyone always struggles with finding who they are. i think i'm pretty lucky. i found what i really like -photography- and now i'm running with it. and it does make you feel a lot more real and like you know what you want in life.

also just thought i'd throw this out there, but have you ever considered joining your school newspaper staff? you might really like it, since you love to write.. it's not exactly the same kind of writting but i've found out i love it. and being part of a staff is like having a second family. it's really nice. i love the people on my staff they can turn my whole day around when it's really sucky or when i don't feel good about my life... they make all the difference.

hyperness is icy said...

i do feel more like myself when i'm at karate than school...

andre-ala said...

at school, i'm invisible.

amythewindowwriter said...

Sometimes being invisible is a good thing. You can learn so much by watching others that when it comes to making yourself real, it just... happens, sort of. That's what happened for me in middle school and I learned that I actually prefer being invisible.

Sonja said...

I would join my school newspaper staff ... if we had one. I guess I could bring that up with the SRC.
Yeah at school i can be either invisible or stick out heaps or just hanging with friends ... I reckon I'm pretty notorious at school for some things that people think is strange ...
A thing i think that is sorta running against the us being real argument is that our lives go like this - we are born, go to school and learn stuff to get a job, get a job, the job helps keep people alive. So we work to keep other people alive. What is the point in that?

amira-la said...

I understand that. Have you read Extras? If so, my only advice for you is Be Like Frizz Mizuno. Except, stop lying to YOURSELF. You are putting on the mask that others are looking at. No one else can put it on for you. You are fake if YOU say you are fake. You are invisible if YOU say you are invisible. You are REAL IF YOU SAY YOU ARE REAL! YOU have control over your life! No one else, just YOU! And I think you are as real as ever.

Andrea-la said...

but what if no one's real?

amira-la said...

If you consider all the what-ifs in the world, you would be cowering in your closet. What if Life is just someone else's dream? What if everyone is dead and I'm in hell? What if, what if, what if...You see? What ifs get everyone nowhere. And anyway, what if no one's real? That makes us all real. Remember in Uglies Shay had a theory about if no one's pretty, no one's ugly. You're just, normal.

=) said...

Sometimes, you put on this mask of "fakeness" to protect yourself against what you're truly afraid of: just being yourself, because, maybe you're afraid of being yourself. But once you're alone, you take off the mask and can be yourself in your entirety and can enjoy yourself. Maybe try taking baby steps every day to help remove the mask. Talk to a friend and ask them questions so they open up to you first, once you sense that they are comfortable with you, it will be easier to be comfortable talking with them without putting a fake mask on.

And honestly, you aren't the strangest person out there just because you do different things than most people. Sometimes people are too afraid of themselves and pick on other people's weaknesses to prevent their weaknesses from being shown.

If what I'm reading from what I've read of your blog is true, then you are a very comfortable person when you're alone, but a little timid when in public. Don't worry. This is totally fine. You're not a weird person for not being the bitchy popular girl. Those people are even more fake than you are. You are probably the most real person in your school. Trust me, everyone fakes it at some point.

Sorry that this was really long too. I got bored, didn't want to do my homework and stumbled upon this. I hoped I helped in anyway.

Andrea-la said...

Thanks, but unfortunatly, this isn't my biggest problem anymore.