Friday, September 5, 2008

No Longer Invisible

You know what sucks? People notice me now. Okay, so you may say that that's a good thing. I say it's not. It means that people compliment me on my shoes, then I have to say something nice back about them...this leads to conversation. That, my friend, is like yanking a frog out of a pond and throwing it at the ceiling. People actually saw me. Therefore, that lead to conversation. Which I don't do. I mean, I can ACT like a normal, sane, person, but in truth, I'm not oh so sane. Actually, I'm quite the opposit. I'm not a sane normal person. I'm a weirdo who dreams about quotation marks. But it's not like I can just go up to someone and say "hey, what color do you think purple flowers should be? you know, other than purple". That's the kind of thing I say. Most people don't hear me. Actually, I was nice and invisable this morning. I went to my locker and my friend's locker was four down from mine, then five minutes later she was all, "hey andrea! i didn't see you!" This happens a lot. You know with variations...sometimes they just can't recognise me. People have actually asked me if I try to look as different as possible every day. I kinda do like to mix it up a bit. You know, dye my hair every once in a while, cut it shorter...try different make-up, dress in clothes that i haven't worn in years....i haven't grown much. I actually have a lot of clothes...and i never wear the same shoes two days in a row...unless it's winter, i only have one pair of winter boots. But that's not the point. The point is that half the time, people don't see me and half the time people don't recognise me. So usually I'm never seem. Except the new kids don't know that. They see me. And it's creepy. Most of the time, I'm just the girl who reads books in the corner. Okay, so not the corner. And I do have friends. They're just used to having me randomly start staring at the wall for ten minutes straight. Of course, after ten minutes, they usually say "andrea, lunch time is for EATING, you know..." Except that I don't like lunch. So I don't always eat it. Actually, I usually don't. But if I actually eat with my friends instead of in the band room or choir room or classroom (usually french, but this year I want to eat in the math room), well, if i actually eat with my friends, then they usually force me to eat lunch. Which isn't enjoyable. And I'm usually not hungry. But then they remind me that I didn't eat lunch...so I have to eat half a sandwhich or whatever to keep the peace. But the point is, people usually don't notice me. Partly because I don't want them to. Partly because I'm just the type of person who gets ignored. And partly because I don't see them. If you asked me everyone's name, I wouldn't know the answer. And I don't care. I live in my own world. In my world, I get to see everyone differently. Yeah, I lable people. Yeah, I see the groups that people are in. Yeah, I see their social status. But do you honestly think that it MATTERS to me? Because it totally doesn't. I try to see who the person really is. Not who they pretend to be. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes I don't find the answer. Sometimes I don't like the answer I find. But that's okay. I'll live with it. That's life. We get answers to questions that we don't want. But we have to get the answers we don't want to get the answers that we DO want. That's life. Get used to it. It wont change but we will.

2 comments:

kenzie said...

Im a weird kind of invisible. I'm the kind where people only see me when its for their own benifit.
For example:
1.Last year it was after school and i was waiting for my ride because book club just got out. now after a lil' while a more popular girl(who isnt like rts popular but just a everyone knows her and shes like exsclusive friends only) came up to me and started talking to me. I was so confused she was just like "hey whats up?, blah blah blah blah blah, Hey, do you wanna walk around with me while I wait for my friend to get out of Detention." I was like, WHAT, but I walked around with her and talk. at one point she was like, "you know, your not as weird as everyone says." What do you say to that really...It was weird
2. Just today I was in the locker room, trying to remember my combo(i failed) but the same girl as ex.1 was in there. Well her friend had just left so it was just us. Well she was having trouble with her lock and asked me to try. i succeed and I'm about to leave and she asks me to stay.

Now these were pretty much go with my reasoning that, I may be a good friend, but not good to go with their rep, whatever I do most things to be polite, because it how I was raised, unlike many in my class.

Now I also get teased slightly, nothing like serious bullying, just little prodings to my nerdiness.
Ex 3. I was in english and was surrounded by giggling rtses and jocky guys and Im sitting in my corner desk, reading. Now the guy next to me yesterday found it astounding that I enjoy reading and spend alot of time doing so. Today I was reding a different book and hes like "you really like reading dont you" nod " What happened to your other book" I finished it... "You need to stop reading so much" Now at that I was kinda thinking 1. WTF nothings wrong with reading 2. shut up and let me read 3. GAH! shut up your giggles, I dont care if your cupcakes taste horrid, just stop!

Now the last one was aimed at the girls behind me,but still, its so hard to read, even in english, I beleive thats sad.
now people mostly just ingnore me though sometimes Im actually included in a converation other than one with a friend.
so my personal stats
number of friends: hm lets go with 5...maybe 6 or 7
people who may nod smile wave to me in the hall: 20? though I may be over estimating
people who will talk to me when no one is around:prolly 10...maybe
people who talk to me but mostly in a teasing/questioning way: 15

yeah

andrea-la said...

Yeah, I know what you mean. Here's my stats:
friends: 5.
people who might say hi to me in the hall: 12. but two of those are teachers...you know, 'cus i'm in their special little ensembles.
people (not including my friends) who might talk to me if no one else is around: 6. maybe.
People who talk to me in a teasing way: 3.

Okay, so usually I'm totally invisible. Usually. I mean, sometimes my own friends don't recognise me. Sometimes in class when the teacher wants an answer, I put my hand up and they don't notice. I've had people actually bump into me because they DIDN'T SEE ME. But, here are some examples of people talking to me:
new girl: Where's the social studies classroom?
me: Well, who's your teacher?
new girl: mr. Geddert.
me: I'll show you where, I have that class next too.

Yeah...oh and sometimes with my friend (i have this one friend who is friends with EVERYONE) we walk up to lot's of different people and they don't even notice me. Oh, and an example of people kinda teasing me about books:
Random Kid: Why are you reading? The teacher said we could talk!
Me: I like reading.
Random Kid: Wait a second...didn't you have a different book yesterday? Did you get bored of it?
Me: Ummm....no. I finished.
Random Kid: Seriously?
Me: seriously.
Random Kid: But didn't we have an english essay due today?
Me: Yes. I finished the essay, then I finished the book.
Random Kid: But you're halfway done this one!
Me: So?
Random Kid: How do you find TIME?
Me: I don't know. I have a busy schedule just like everyone else on the planet.
Random Kid: Whatever

Okay, other examples of people noticing me is when they start talking about me behind my back. But they also openly make fun of me when I go to band class half an hour early. Which is a perfectly sane thing to do! Doesn't everyone go to band class early? Whatever. Of course, all the new kids talk to me. It's fine, I can deal with that.