Wednesday, September 10, 2008

i HATE this

i HATE this. I'm in a bad mood. Do you wanna know why? Because life sucks. Why? Because NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS TO ME BECAUSE I'M JUST AN INVISIBLE NOTHING WHO HAS NO FRIENDS AND EVEN MY FRIENDS FROM YOUTH GROUP AREN'T GOING ANYMORE BECAUSE OF VOLLEYBALL AND SO NOW I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO EXCEPT MY JOURNAL/BLOG BUT NEITHER OF THEM ARE GONNA ANSWER BECAUSE THEY AREN'T REAL PEOPLE. So yeah. Youth group sucks because absolutely no one my age EVER comes so I'm all alone in the corner for the ENTIRE TIME. And it sucks. And so now I'm going to a new youth group...the high school one. And I just found out that everyone my age STILL aren't coming. EVEN THOUGH IT'S ON A DIFFERENT DAY THEY STILL AREN'T COMING. And let's just say that there is no force on this planet that can make me go to youth group all alone. So I'm not going. Not today, not ever. I'll just tell my mom to stop trying to work around it when planning my triathlon training and I'll just go run laps at some gym while I should be in youth group. Because I don't care about it anymore. I want to go. I want to listen to good music. I want to make new friends. But it just isn't like that. I have no friends there. I'm just not going to youth group anymore. I just don't wanna go. Sure, I'll still go to regulare church, but I'm not going to youth group. Maybe I'll go on the retreat. Maybe. But the worst part is, even though I was at home crying about this, my mom STILL made me go out to dinner with her and her friends. Of course, I basically refused and when home asap, but still. HOW CAN MY MOM EXPECT ME TO ACT LIKE IT'S ALL OKAY. TO ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. TO ACT LIKE I'M HAPPY. Because to tell you the truth, I haven't been happy in a long time. Sometimes I'm a little bit happy, but never as happy as I act. Never as happy as people assume I should be. All my life, people have constantly showed that people are supposed to be happy. Well, I've put on that act long enough. I'm sad right now. And I'm not gonna hide my tears. I'm gonna act sad. I'm gonna be a pain in the neck. I'm just gonna say how I feel, 'cus I've had enough of acting. I've had enough of hiding EVERY EMOTION BUT HAPPYNESS. We aren't allowed to be confused. We aren't allowed to be weak. We aren't allowed to be broken. People dont' like us acting like that. People don't like us acting like ourselves. We are our emotions, so we should get to show it. If I get sad, my mom tells me to smile. When I get angry, my mom tells me to act like everything is okay. Well what if it's NOT okay? What if this is just one thing too much? What if I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE? People say that when life gives us lemons to make lemonaide. I tried to make lemonaide, I honestly tried. But I got lemon juice in my eyes. The world will say to ignore it and pretend to drink lemonaide. People will say that we can't act like that. I say that I can't ignore it and I will act like that. I know this is just about me not having any friends at youth group, but it applies to everything. We don't need to do what the world tells us to do. We do need to say what people want us to say. It's okay to express how we feel. It's okay to FEEL stuff. It's not a bad thing. We shouldn't have to lie about who we are just because it's "improper". That doesn't make sense to me. So I'm saying this loud and clear "I HATE LIFE".

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